Dear You

How are you? It has been 5 years since our thing.

I can see you're getting near to the dream that you always told me then. How good your relationship is with your family and friends. You probably even have someone by your side now. It's good to see how lively your life now. Truthfully, I love seeing you busy doing things you've always liked. And I assume, deep inside, you've changed a lot, more than I can imagine. Although it's a little bit sad, I'm happy to see you're living the best way possible. At least, that's what I see.

On the other hand, I'm not doing so well. I failed my IPMA application, and now I failed my UPU application. I'm trying to reapply now, hoping that my second application will be able to make it.

I've changed a lot, too. My English is getting good, and now I'm involved in martial arts. Kinda switching our roles slowly, haha. Most of the times, I'm not very pleased with myself. But that's a long, seasoned issue, I don't want to talk about that.

It has been 5 years. I can put my mind off of you now. I'm into my daily routine nowadays. It sounds boring, though, since most of the times I'll just stay at home and help my mum doing the household. It's like training to be a full time housewife, haha. But a full time housewife can be so busy too, I tell you. I don't feel very much effective, but I don't hate this kinda routine. I'm happy to contribute to my family in the way that I could.

Still, this kinda lifestyle leaves me some space to think. Well, to daydream to be specific. I daydream about many things. Like, how is my house gonna be when I get married. How can I decorate my home. What kind of room will my kids have. Sometimes, I would think about you. I would think about what you think of me now. What would have happened if things went differently. If we never met. Or if we chose to stay. Should that happens, I'd surely be a very different person than who I am today.

It has been 5 years. During these years, I've met new people, seen new possibilities, even putting my eyes on some people. Perhaps, I should wait a little bit longer. For these past years, the only experience I know is you. The real one. It doesn't hold me back, though. I'm open to new experiences ;)

Sometimes, I feel like talking. Telling you what I went through, how I feel, what I hope, etc etc. Sometimes, I feel like listening. Listen to what you went through, how you feel, what you hope, etc etc. But you know, the right of talking and listening is only granted to the chosen people. Judging from me never had that opportunity, I assume that you're gone, and I should not wish more.

You could've said, "You can contact me anytime you want." to me. But you know, I do have ego, as a person. I would've contact you to say hi and such, but to do the talking and listening, I probably need some lines that are more assuring.

But, I'm just whining, you know. Maybe I'm affected with Cory-Lea story, maybe tonight is one of the nights that I would think of you randomly, I don't know. Now that I just happen to think a bit about you, I just wanna let it out, knowing that it won't reach you.

You've changed a lot. I've changed a lot. I don't put much hope on anything big. Just, even after all these years, and all other years coming up, there will always be a tiny, little space in you and I, for both of us.

See you again.
Sincerely,
Me.

Cory and Lea

It feels personal about Cory's death.

Saya bukan peminat Glee, pun bukan peminat Cory, tapi saya kadang kadang tertengok juga tv show tu, so recognize la jugak muka Cory dan Lea ni.

So bila saya tertengok dalam berita yang Cory ditemui mati, saya agak terkejut la juga. Saya pun tengok tengoklah response orang ramai dengan berita ni.

It saddens me. The story about Lea and Cory, the feelings of his fans and family, they are just... heartbreaking.

Maybe it's true, "tell them you love them today, because they can disappear tomorrow."

p/s: I feel like meeting again...

Cory and Lea. Be strong, Lea.

Be strong, me.

Synesthesia

Have you ever heard about synesthesia?

2 malam yang lepas masa saya tengah surf internet, saya tiba tiba terfikir tentang satu fenomena yang sejak dari kecik saya ada. So saya search la fenomena tu.

Turns out it is synesthesia.

Saya pun tak pasti sangat sebab saya tak pernah kena tested dengan pakar psikologi sebenar. Saya cuma pernah buat test synesthesia online, dan jugak pembacaan umum. Tapi setakat yang saya baca, adalah dalam 60% saya percaya yang saya adalah synesthetic.

Synesthesia yang saya alami adalah number-gender. Letters dengan numbers (single digit) yang ada, saya mesti kaitkan dengan jantina. Sometimes, semua tu ada personaliti sekali, tapi saya tak lah gambarkan personaliti diorang tu secara vivid. Tapi ada lah personaliti tu.

Antara contoh contoh:

0 - male, personality unsure, color white
1 - female, personality normal, color unsure
2 - male, free-spirited boy, and I always associate this number with striking red
3 - female, personality unsure, color is probably orange-ish
4 - female, personality quite serene, soft blue
5 - male, personality gentle, color orange-ish
6 - male, personality - the wise old man, color greenish
7 - female, personality furious, striking orange
8 - female, personality very serene, soft blue
9 - female, personality lady-like, color unsure
10 - male (satu satunya nombor dua digit yang saya dapat tengok jantinanya), the number which personality is unknown but this number is powerful, most like the leader/the king of the numbers mentioned.

Itu untuk nombor. Untuk bulan bulan pun ada jugak jantinanya.

January - female
February - Can be both, but it is more to male
March - female
April - female
May - Can be both, but it is more to female
June - Male
July - female
August - female
September - female
October - male
November - powerful female
December - gentle male

And the letters... the list goes on.

Semua perception ni constant, dari kecik sampai besar saya fikir macam ni.

Saya buat 3 ujian synesthesia dari semua site ni;

http://www.synesthesiatest.org (2)
http://synesthete.org (1)

daripada 3 test tu, 2 ujian menunjukkan saya positif synesthete. Test dari synesthete.org tu, range dia macam ni; <1, then one definitely a synesthete. Keputusan saya, saya dapat 1.03, close to the range. Ujian accuracy saya, saya dapat 77.78%, while the range untuk synesthete is above 85%, close jugak kan? Ujian jugak menunjukkan saya seorang associator (saya cuma tahu setiap nombor ada warna, tapi saya tak betul betul nampak warna tu).

With all these being said.... Am I normal?

IELTS result

Lepas saya gagal IPMA tu, saya dapat berita ni.

Haha, Alhamdulillah.

Macam tak patut je kan gembira sakan dengan band 7 untuk IELTS. Band 7 tu macam cukup syarat je. Lainlah kalau saya dapat band 8.5, boleh celebrate ala kadar.

Tapi saya expect lagi rendah sebab masa test IELTS tu saya buat entah apa apa. Nak nak lagi time speaking. Entah apa je la yang saya mengarut kat examiner tu (Mrs. Greenhill nama dia kalau saya tak salah). Masa writing pun nervous sebab masa macam tak cukup. Tapi alhamdulillah, rezeki saya dapat band 7.

InsyaAllah, peluang tetap ada :)

Program Cemerlang IPMA

.... Saya fail.

Enough said.

Fenomena apekah?

Tadi saya mengalami satu fenomena, masa saya nak tidur petang.

Contohnya:

Few minutes lepas saya tutup mata, tiba tiba saya lost control pada diri sendiri. Like, saya masih sedar, tapi susah nak buka mata, gerak tangan dan kaki. Tapi saya cuba gerak jugak, just to make sure yang saya boleh bergerak lagi. Cuma susahlah, ibaratnya macam angkat tong gas penuh everytime nak gerakkan badan dan kaki.

Then, during the time yang saya susah nak bukak mata tu, saya macam berhalusinasi. Macam ternampak nampak ada 3 orang perempuan yang tengah tengok saya, padahal saya tengah sorang sorang dalam bilik. Selain tu, saya pun berhalusinasi yang ada lelaki menjerit dekat dengan saya, macam orang terlibat dalam accident kereta.

Lepas berjaya bangun, mata saya rasa perit, hati saya berdegup lebih kuat, dan saya rasa penat sebab saya struggle untuk control badan saya masa saya susah bukak mata tu.

Macam mistik je bunyinya, tapi mesti ada penjelasan yang logik untuk fenomena ni.

Fenomena apa ni ye?

Werewolf Boy

Baru baru ni saya search random korean movies kat internet. This movie caught my eyes because its lead actor and actress are Song Joong Ki and Park Bo Young. Saya bukan peminat dua orang pelakon ni, tapi since both pernah terlibat dengan Running Man, dan sinopsis filem ni pun macam genre yang saya suka, jadi saya decide untuk tonton filem ni.

Tapi saya tak pernah tonton filem ni sampai habis.

Bukan sebab saya tak suka. Tapi sebab saya tau ending filem ni bukan ending yang gembira. Dah boleh agak diorang tak bersama pun. So, instead of tonton ending filem ni, saya search untuk spoiler, dan akhirnya terjumpa di sini.

Sedih okk. I love this kind of bittersweet movies. Cerita macam ni sangattlah berpotensi untuk buat saya menangis.

:'(